


Thinking is Hard

by PingusMachine



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Autistic Character, Autistic Michael J. Caboose, M/M, neurodivergent character, ok tbh its really only churboose if you squint but im going to leave the tag in here just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23740642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PingusMachine/pseuds/PingusMachine
Summary: Thinking is hard, but thinking together is better.
Relationships: Michael J. Caboose & Lavernius Tucker, Michael J. Caboose & Sheila, Michael J. Caboose/Leonard L. Church
Comments: 5
Kudos: 89





	Thinking is Hard

**Author's Note:**

> This is me projecting onto Caboose because I love him and I love Churboose

Thinking is easy. It comes naturally, like a whirlwind of colors and shapes and sounds that never ceases to whirl through an infinite landscape of  _ things _ . 

Knowing about those thoughts, however, is not. Understanding what goes on in your head is a constant struggle of scrambling for an object you saw once in that whirlwind and being unable to find it again. There are no thought compartments, no thought files tucked neatly into thought folders, and  _ that's just the way it's supposed to be _ .

Until it isn't. 

Suddenly, you need to have your brain organized, you need to know things. Caboose knows lots of things, everything from mechanical engineering to the right way to squat while picking up a heavy object. But these things live  _ everywhere _ , not in boxes or files or rooms. Thinking is  _ hard _ .

So, when somebody asks him, "how is your day, Caboose," or "do you have any headlight fluid," he has to get up from his comfy brain-spot with his favorite things and go look for what people ask for. By the time he finds what he needs, they're already gone and he either has to move on or stand in his own disappointment-cloud.

Perceiving is easy. The world is another whirlwind of colors and shapes and sounds that can go for miles. But perceiving is hard, and whirlwinds are not always good. The colors  _ sting _ , the shapes  _ cut _ , and the sounds  _ hurt _ . Caboose has to remind himself that not everyone sees, hears, or feels this way, so he has to endure the pain, keep pushing, and do all that he can do against it.

Talking is easy. It's a way for him to let his brain breathe.

"Right now I am thinking about dogs," he tells Church, who is sitting across from him in the barracks.

"Yeah, whatever, Caboose, shutthefuckup."

One thing Caboose knows for certain is that he loves Church and that he won't ever stop. In his special brain-spot, Church sits to the right of Caboose's knowledge of having great friends and to the left of Hating Private Tucker. Just-  _ oh god _ , is that guy the  _ worst _ .

Church might not  _ acknowledge _ it, but Caboose is sure that he knows that they are best friends, forever, and maybe a little bit more if Church would learn how to stop being an asshole.

"Church, do you ever wonder--"

"No. Go away, Caboose."

"Church, what's your favorite dog breed?"

"Shut. Up. Also, it's a malamute."

"Did you know I lo--"

"BYE." And Church leaves Caboose in the barracks.

When Church is gone, his world stays in a sort of stagnant quiet-noise burdened by the knowledge that  _ Church is not here _ . When Church is with him, Caboose has something to focus on and something to hyperfixate to. But, all he has now is everything at once, rushing towards him and away from him at varying speeds and making different sounds. It's overwhelming and makes his everything hurt.

Church asked him, once, why he doesn't just go bother Tucker. That's because Tucker sucks! Tucker's different, he's loud, and he takes up too much space, but most of all, he's completely unaware of all of it. Tucker smacks his lips when he eats, he sprawls his feet up on the table during snack time, and has an overwhelming disregard for anything that comes out of his mouth. 

Tucker makes his skin crawl.

So, Caboose does everything he can to stay with Church, his safe space. Church, for the most part, seems totally fine, except for maybe a few--a  _ lot _ \--of disrespectful comments here and there, but  _ oh,  _ that's just him.

* * *

A few hours later, at dinnertime, Tucker and Church are arguing about whatever. Caboose  _ hates _ the noises they make. Their voices are penetrating his head, making its way into his chest, and sending a repulsive, buzzing feeling all the way down to his ten fingers and nine toes. Caboose doesn't notice the face he's making, or his stance, until the voices have already stopped to leave the  _ feeling _ echoing and ringing throughout his body.

"Please g- guys  _ please _ um. Yeah." And he goes away.

Talking, one of the things that  _ is easy _ , and not hard  _ at all _ , is a skill that is being compromised as of late. Caboose really, super, incredibly,  _ needs _ Tucker and Church to know how he feels, what they're doing, and how it affects him. But he can't. All Caboose can think about right now is the  _ feeling _ bouncing around inside of him, the pressure in his chest, and the incessant echoes of his own boots clacking in the hallway as if he were leading an entire army of angry men. But soon enough, it's just him and the refreshing breeze on the outpost's rooftop.

The stars shine bright on a planet in the middle of nowhere. They twinkle in and out, some dance across the sky, and some stay put, in their own little happy place with their own best friends. He wonders if he can see Earth from here, which he most likely can't, but he'd like to imagine. Caboose's moon is connected to Earth, with all seventeen of his beautiful sisters and all three of his dogs. He hopes they are all warm, soft and happy. He hopes they think about him too.

The noise inside of his limbs has quieted and all he hears now is the grass below him swaying with the array of background voices in his head that never seem to go away, and he continues to stare up at the sky. 

"Hey, buddy," speaks Church, who Caboose definitely knew was behind him just now.

The nice thing about Church is that despite his hard external layer of armor and spite, he possesses a soft core of warm light and what seems like a ton of super cool robot bits. Church actually seems to  _ care  _ about Caboose. For sure, he cares in a weirdly obscure way laden with snark and his nerd glasses, but he definitely cares, and Caboose can see it. 

"... Hey, Church," Caboose responds.

"So, Caboose, I, ah- I noticed you had a hard time back there, or… something? And I, um.  _ We _ wanted to say that we're sorry about all that and… stuff."

"You said we. Does that mean Tucker? I have a hard time believing it's Tucker. Tucker would not say sorry because he is stupid and he does--"

" _ Caboose _ ," Church interjects. "Please."

Everything Caboose is saying is an amalgamation of things he is worried about and Things™ he is worried about. Words aren't coming right and that kind of mildly upsets him. Just a little.

"Church, I am  _ trying _ right now? I'm working on it? Thanks. Can you please, maybe, wait a second?"

Church sits on the roof with Caboose and waits. That's another thing Caboose likes about him. Church is patient with him, sometimes, especially when Caboose needs him to be. They sit for a while and Caboose points at the sky.

"Over there, I think, is where my sisters are right now," he states. "Oh," replies Church, in his own confused and angsty way.

Church knows all about Caboose's seventeen sisters and three dogs because Caboose told him all about them on multiple occasions. Caboose made Church read all of his mail from them out loud because Caboose just really likes his voice. Not that he'd ever admit that out loud, though.

"And I really like your voice when you read their letters for me."  _ Whoops _ . 

"Thanks, Caboose…" Caboose usually doesn't care what comes out of his mouth, because everyone seems to chalk it up to Caboose being Caboose and he's usually fine with it but now he  _ hates  _ it and oh god why is he so stupid-

"I like it when you draw pictures for us, sometimes. Not because they're not fucking  _ stupid _ , which they  _ are _ , but because they are totally fucking stupid and nice and uhh-" Church is fiddling with his glasses in the way he does when he's nervous and Caboose smiles. 

Thinking is hard, but thinking together is better.


End file.
